Spring enews - No Smoking Clip

Customer Jokes 2007 So Far!

We thought your sense of humour had dried up as we'd not received any new jokes from you this year! Then we discovered a glitch in cyberspace and suddenly an avalanche of your jokes from the last few months cascaded into jokes@directa.co.uk. We've spent many hours laughing and editing, to pass on to you 2007's wonderful entries (so far!).

CHRIS HARE:
Being British in 2007 is all about driving your German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer. Maybe grabbing a Turkish kebab on the way. Then getting an Indian curry on the way home to sit on Swedish furniture whilst watching an American program, on a Japanese TV.
And the best British trait of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Only in Britain:
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the shop for medicines while the healthy buy their cigarettes at the front.
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Do banks leave both doors open yet chain pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawnmower in the garage.
Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...LAST YEAR:
3 Brits died testing 9v batteries with their tongues.
142 Brits were injured by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits were injured by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
8 Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
5 Brits were injured in accidents with out of control Scalextric cars
EVEN AT CHRISTMAS:
4 broken arms were reported following cracker-pulling accidents.
31 Brits died watering Christmas trees while the lights were still plugged in.
19 Brits have died believing that tree decorations were made of chocolate.
101 Brits had parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had burns trying on jumpers with lit cigarettes in their mouths.
543 Brits were hospitalized after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

CHRIS HARE:
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. When the farmer drove up the next day to deliver the animal he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he died on the way over." "Well”, said young Gordon, “Just give me my money back." "I can't do that”, said the farmer, “I've spent it already." "OK no problem” said Gordon, “Unload the donkey anyway." "What are you going to do with him?" the farmer asked. Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a time, and made a huge profit!" Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you’d stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner. I gave him his £2 ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, he thought I was a great guy!"

Moral:

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

So, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life,
think again because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!

CHRIS HARE:
The boss wanted the girl in his office badly but she belonged to someone else. One day, in his frustration, he said to her: "I'd give you £500 if you let me make love to you." The girl said an emphatic NO. Her boss said, "I'd be very fast, I'd throw the money on the floor. I'd be finished by the time you pick it up." Insulted, she called her boyfriend, and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "I love you but … we could do with the money! Why not cheat the pig! Ask him for £1000! As soon as he throws it on the floor pick it up, double quick, before he’s got time to get his trousers down." Reluctantly she agreed to give it a try. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend still waited for her call. Finally, after 45 minutes he called her to find out what had happened. She blurted out, "It didn’t go to plan … He had it all in 5p coins!"

Alan Sugar lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to its terms and getting screwed!!

JOSH ROSEN:
He entered a bar in Dublin for the first time, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room taking a sip out of each glass in turn. When all three were finished, he went to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender said, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste a lot better if you bought one at a time." The man replied, "It may seem strange to order three at once, but it’s a tradition you see. I’ve got two brothers. One lives in America and the other in Australia. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way, at the same time each week, to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender smiled in admiration and pulled three more pints. The man became a regular on the same day each week, and always drank the same way: Until one day when he ordered only two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fell silent. The bartender sadly said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but may I offer my condolences on your great loss." The man looked confused, until a light of understanding dawned in his eye and he laughed.
"Don’t worry yourself.” he said,
"My brothers are fine. It's me you see. I've given up drinking!"

CHRIS HARE:
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. "The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast,
30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" asks the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

FRANK MORAN:
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready) "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

ROBERT MORGAN:
In a public toilet yesterday I found two cubicles. One was already occupied, so I entered the other one. I closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. Soon after a voice came over the wall from the cubicle next to me. "Hello mate, how are you doing?" I thought this is a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?" Somewhat reluctantly I answered, "Umm, just having a quick pooh, how about yourself?" Then I heard the voice for the third time. "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There’s some idiot in the next cubicle answering everything I say."

CHRIS HARE:
“James you were wonderful last night”, she said, as she gently caressed his cheek, “But I have a confession to make.” “What is it my darling?” he asked. “I used to be a hooker!” she answered. She expected the worse but he surprisingly said “What’s in the past has passed.” He drew her closer and whispered. “In fact, I find it a turn on, tell me more.” “Okay”, she replied, “My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan.”

MARK MACAULEY:
Driving to the office this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds in disbelief. When I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me (and this coming from a bloke..) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and scald the old three piece suite, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and disconnected an important call. BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!

MARK MACAULEY:
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were each 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold a very personal part of Bill's anatomy, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. Edna assumed he was either ill or dead, but then the next day she saw him happily wandering about the grounds. She confronted him and said: "Where were you last night?" He replied: "I was with another woman". "Where did you go, what did you do?" "The same thing that you and I do, but in her room", He answered. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "No, she looks the same, and in fact she’s 98 years old," Bill replied. "Well, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"

MARK MACAULEY:
When Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "He'd never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so his toupee won’t budge." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker a big tip for handling the matter so professionally.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all what's a few nails?"

MARK MACAULEY:
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog: Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don't talk! Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing alright" Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (Pointing at rancher)" Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How’s he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How’s he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" Rancher: (Stuttering and hardly able to talk)... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

MARK MACAULEY:
Three Labrador retrievers sit in the waiting room at the vet's office. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "Week bladder, I pee on everything, my owners sofa, their carpets and their curtains, but the last straw was when I peed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What’s the vet going to do to you?" The brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up the flowers, dig up the bushes. When I'm inside, I even dig up the carpets, but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I can’t stop humping. I hump everything, from the cat to the table legs. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her too. "The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

MARK MACAULEY:
A man waiting for his wife to give birth is informed that his son is born without a torso, arms or legs. His son is just a head! The father loves his son nevertheless, and raises him as well as he can. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son how proud he is of him. Dad orders the strongest drink for his boy. With all the patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Suddenly something magical happens, there’s a mild ‘plop’ noise and out pops a torso! The bar bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shakes his head. With another ‘plop’ out pops two arms! The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. ‘Plop!’ Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a lorry runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent except for the father moaning in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

MARK MACAULEY:
A woman went into a funeral parlour to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a blue suit. He asked, “Wouldn't it be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?” But, she insisted that it must be a blue suit. When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin wearing a beautiful blue suit. She thanked the director and asked how much it would cost. He said, "Actually it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow if she would mind if her husband were to be buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So.... I switched the heads."

MATTHEW BURKE:
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word "ears", he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby.”The mother said, "Why thank you, Little Johnny."
Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands; a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.”Yes" the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great," said Little Johnny,

"Coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses.

MATTHEW BURKE:
Walking home alone late one foggy night, he heard a bumping scraping sound coming from behind him: He looked back through the fog and saw the hazy image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Terrified, he started to run but the casket seemed to speed up, bouncing ever more quickly behind him. He ran to his door, fumbling with the key it seemed to take forever before he was able to open it. He rushed through in a state of panic, slammed the door shut and slid the night bolts across. With a loud CRASH the casket hurtled through the door, the lid of the casket thunderously clapping up and down. He raced upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in. His heart pounding; his head reeling; his breath coming in sobbing gasps. Suddenly another loud CRASH ! The bathroom door gave way as the casket broke through; bumping, clapping and threatening towards him. He let out a loud scream and reached behind for something, anything for protection. His hand reached a bottle of cough syrup, he threw it at the casket...and the coffin stopped !!

MARK MACAULEY:
Little Jenny comes home from playing at Dean's house.
"Hey Mum, guess what! Dean's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mum is understandably confused for a second, then questions,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, ... it's salty!"

EWAN SINCLAIR:
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

TROY NORLING:
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

FRANK MORAN:
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,
"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What’s does he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

MATTHEW BURKE:
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter welcomed Arthur Davidson, the original designer of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle. He told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have given so much the world you can choose to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." "I would love to spend my time with God himself," Arthur replied. St. Peter took him the Throne Room and introduced him to God, who recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who designed The Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur nodded humbly. "Well” God continued,” I don’t understand why you are so smug at designing a machine that's unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't be used without a road?" Arthur was embarrassed, but after some thought said, "Excuse me God, but aren't you the inventor and designer of woman?" "Of course" said God. "Well," said Arthur, "From one professional to another, you have made one or two major design flaws”. “Such as?” God enquired. “Well said Arthur it seems to me that there's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; and they chatter constantly at high speeds; Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble; The maintenance costs are enormous, and the biggest flaw of all is, of course, placing the intake too close to the exhaust!" "Well you’ve made some good points there," replied God, "Hold on while I check with my celestial super computer.”He typed in a few words and the computer printed out a slip of paper. God read it and then said. "It may be true that my invention has more design faults than yours, but according to the latest figures, more men are riding them than yours."

JONATHON CARTER:
An Irishman discovers a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it and immediately phones to inform the police. 'Is it ticking?' asked the policeman,
'No' replied the Irishman, 'I think its bacon.’

MATTHEW BURKE:
Morris and his wife Esther went to the air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty pounds-- and fifty pounds is fifty pounds". The following year Esther and Morris went once again to the air show, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty pounds -- and fifty pounds is fifty pounds". The pilot overheard the couple and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty pounds." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know
--fifty pounds is fifty pounds."

CHRIS HARE (True story):
Last year season-ticket at the new Arsenal ‘Emirates’ Stadium was an absolute plum seat half way up the Main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view. Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there. After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season. The response is legendary:

'Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season
ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas!

CHRIS HARE:
An Irish daughter came home for the first time in over 5 years. "Where’ve you been all this time,” Moaned her father. “Why didn’t you write? Why didn't you call? Do you understand what you’ve put your old mum through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I didn’t know how to tell you … I’ve become a prostitute..." "You’ve what! Get out of here, you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad - as you wish. But before I go I just want to give mum this mink coat and the title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion. Oh and there’s also this savings certificate for half a million pounds. And I didn’t forget you and my little brother. For him there’s this gold Rolex watch and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes sports car that's parked outside. Inside the glove box you’ll find a fully paid up membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for you all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it you said you’d become?" says dad. Still crying she replied, "Sniff... a prostitute dad.” "Be Jesus girl! You scared me half to death! I thought ye said you’d become a Protestant! Now come over here and give your old man a hug!"

MARK MACAULEY:
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..." "...I've quit drinking!"

MARK MACAULEY:
On a cruise for singles having a great time, until the ship sank leaving him all alone on an island, with only bananas and coconuts for company. After a few months the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen rowed up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when the cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" she explained. "I made it out of raw material I found. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, the bottom wove from palm branches and the sides and stern from a tree trunk." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," she said. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." He was stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't face any more coconut juice." "It's not juice I have a still. How would you like a Gin Fizz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet." He goes into the bathroom and there, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.........
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

CHRIS HARE:
A wasp expert passed by a record shop. He noticed a sign in the window, ‘Just Released- for the first time on vinyl -Wasps of the World’ Unable to resist, he entered the shop, went to the counter and said, “I'd very much like to listen to the new Vinyl release of wasps advertised in your window." "Step into the booth,” replied the cheery young assistant, “And I'll put it on the headphones for you." Ten minutes later he came out of the booth and said to the assistant, "Young man I am a world expert on wasps and those sounds on the record are most definitely not the sounds that wasps make." "I’m terribly sorry", said the embarrassed young assistant,
"You see I’m new here and not used to vinyl records and I made a mistake.”
“You mean you played me the wrong record?”
“Oh no it was the right record, but I was playing the bee side."

CHRIS HARE:
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The ‘iBreast’ will cost £599.

It is considered to be a major breakthrough to stop women complaining that men stare at their breasts and do not listen to them.

ROBERT MORGAN:
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high- powered vacuum cleaners." . "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite young man, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

FRANK MORAN:
Harry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Betty that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Harry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I have only 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Betty agreed and again they made love. Later, Harry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Betty's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Harry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Harry, I'm not being funny...but,
I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

FRANK MORAN:
This is for all the germ conscious who worry about using cold water to clean:

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural part of the West Country. Having chatted the night away, John's grandfather rose early and prepared breakfast of bacon eggs and toast. John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal. For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned as his plate appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it! Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "COLDWATER, GO AND LAY DOWN!

MATTHEW BURKE:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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I promised my husband I’d be home by midnight,
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., the worse for drink, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all, but he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, tripped over the coffee table and farted.

MATTHEW BURKE:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he
thought for a moment. You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered.”

IAN REES:
It’s a brutally hot day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride up to a saloon. The Lone Ranger says “Tonto. I’m going in for a beer. But it’s so hot, I think you should do laps around the horses to stir up a breeze and cool them up a bit”. Tonto says “Ugh,Kemo Sabe”. The Lone Ranger goes in and starts drinking and bragging about how his family and the rangers were ambushed and slaughtered, and how he wound up wearing the mask and the tights, and he keeps yakking and yakking. A few hours later a guy walks into the bar and says” Hey Lone Ranger … You left your Injun running”.

MATTHEW BURKE:
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. By the time he made managing director I went right off into a tree. The police asked what had happened. I said "I careered right off the road"

JAMES FLANAGAN:
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a bottle of turpentine, shaking it up and watching the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he was playing with. The boy replied “The most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take a little of it and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, “That’s nothing! If you rub some turpentine on a cat's ass he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

ROBERT MORGAN:
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Markey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

FRANK MORAN:
A routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the car park empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. My equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian,"tonight officer, I'm the designated decoy."

MARK MACAULEY:
The husband leaned over and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very pub where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she said, "I remember it well" "How about us taking a stroll around the back and doing it again for old time's sake?" "Charlie, you randy old devil!
It sounds crazy but I like it!" They made the kind of passionate love usually associated with the very young. “Darling,” he said afterwards
You move better now than you did fifty years ago.”
Still shaking she replied,
”Well the fence wasn’t electrified fifty years ago!

CHRIS HARE ON BLONDE LOGIC:
Blond girl says "Which do you think is farther away - Florida or the moon?"
Other blonde replies "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida???"
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you’d get your act together. Yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING A police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. He was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, he wound down his window, and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not a natural redhead, are you?"No" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FRANK MORAN:
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of Tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs. Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a flipping accident either!"

JAMES FLANAGAN:
Two eighty year old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the old ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette. Maude: “What in the name of heaven is that?” Mable: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.” Maude: “Where did you get it?” Mable: “You can get them at any chemists.” The next day, Maude hobbled into Boots and announced loudly that she wanted a box of condoms. The embarrassed Chemist, looked at her strangely, and then very delicately asked which brand of condom she’d prefer. "Doesn't matter to me Sonny, just as long as it fits on a Camel."

MATTHEW BURKE:
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle and was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."

CHRIS HARE:
A couple decided whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact. "Mary!” called the ghostly voice. "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, have sex, have breakfast, then off to the golf course, have sex, bathe in the sun, and have sex twice. Then lunch, another romp around the golf course, and sex all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, then sex till late at night. The next day it all starts over again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly Mary, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

CHRIS HARE:
The town’s people were sitting in their pews just minutes before the service was due to start. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running to the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

MARK MACAULEY:
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, he asked him the following questions: Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?" Polish Man: "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." Lawyer: "No, I mean what is your foundation?" Polish Man: "It made of concrete." Lawyer: "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?" Polish Man: "No, we have carport.” Lawyer: "I mean. What are your relations like?" Polish Man: "All my relations in Poland." Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" Polish Man: "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." Lawyer: "Does your wife beat you up?" Polish Man: "No, I always up before her." Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?" Polish Man: "She is going to kill me." Lawyer: "What makes you think that?" Polish Man: "I got proof." Lawyer: "What kind of proof?" Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at chemist and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read … it say: 'Polish Remover'."

MARK MACAULEY:
A depressed young woman decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When she went to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "You've got lots to live for" he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, you could start a new life there. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? The sailor sneaked her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later during a routine search the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America and he's feeding me." "What are you doing for him?" asked the captain. "He's screwing me" said the girl. "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle Of Wight ferry".

MARK HUDSON:
If Whitney Houston married Gene Pitney, she would be Whitney Pitney!!

TRACEY GRANGER:
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking in the grounds past the pond, Ralph suddenly jumped in. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry…

How soon did you say I could go home?

CHRIS HARE:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and said, “I’ve started a killer jigsaw puzzle why not come over and help me get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend tempted by an evening of puzzle and fun left straight away. When he arrived he noticed the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces, looked at the box and said, "First of all, no matter what we do we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. We’ll have a nice cup of tea, and then"
He sighed, "We’ll put the Frosties back in the box."

GRAEME DRIVER:
An Hawaiian woodpecker and a visiting Californian woodpecker were arguing which American state had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use) The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

SARAH WILLIAMS:
A blind man wanders accidentally into a lesbian biker bar. He finds his way to a stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?" The bar y fell quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 14 stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head and mutters,
"No, not if I’ve got to explain it five times over."

SARAH WILLIAMS:
Driving down the M1, a little faster than she should have been, the blonde passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. He pulled her over and with that classic, patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short"? To which she replied. "I'm late for work". He asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," She responded. The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what?" "A rectum stretcher" "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" The constable asked. "Well," She said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then slowly but surely I stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

The curious policeman asked suspiciously, "and tell me, just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" She politely replied,
"You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

CHRIS HARE:
He was lying in the hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse came to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, she replied, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggled to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers. She raised his gown, held his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Took a close look and said, "No need to worry there's absolutely nothing wrong with them." He pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. That’s wonderful to know but, listen very, very closely...Are…my…test results …back?"